Mike Brown: This is the Dawn of the Age of Aquarium – SLUG Magazine - SLUG Magazine

Mike Brown: This is the Dawn of the Age of Aquarium – SLUG Magazine - SLUG Magazine

Mike Brown: This is the Dawn of the Age of Aquarium – SLUG Magazine - SLUG Magazine

Posted: 05 May 2021 02:01 PM PDT

Mike Brown got a fish tank so he could play god ... GREAT.
Illustration: Diana Garcia

It's good and important to have hobbies. Although I enjoy reveling in my own nothingness most of the time, I guess it's fruitful to have something to do and look forward to. I personally enjoy stoner hobbies. What are stoner hobbies? Well, quite simply, they're hobbies that are enjoyed to the maximum while you're higher than a hippie in a hot air balloon. I exclude Hacky Sack and bongo drums—those require too much coordination to master for your THC-soaked brainwaves. I'm more so talking about things like jigsaw puzzles, video games, of course, and a hobby I've recently taken up: This is the dawn of the age of aquarium.

Yeah, I got an aquarium. Why? Because fish are fucking cool, that's why. Oh, and I needed a new hobby. I've had fish before. We've all probably had a goldfish at one point. Although goldfish are basically carp, which is a garbage fish, they are the Vince Vaughn of the freshwater world for sure. I once had a betta fish named Gary Glitter that I kept alive in a jar for three years. He was cool. That said, I felt ready to step up to an actual tank and start playing god.

"Yeah, I got an aquarium. Why? Because fish are fucking cool, that's why."

One of the main appeals of owning an aquarium is that you get to play god. I am a merciful god, for the aquatic realm I have created on the seventh day for my fish children is beautiful and abundant with bubbles and live plants. May your physical journey throughout my tank be pleasurable, full of fish orgies and decadence, eating flakes until your fish bellies are full, until the fateful day where ye fish shall float to the top, belly up, as if transcended to the celestial fish kingdom via my toilet, where the sounding flush shall replace the 21-gun salute. 'Tis where ye fish shall be resurrected in the bright eyes of King Neptune himself.

And by resurrected, I mean, I'll just go to the fish store and replace your dead ass with another fish who looks just like you.

When creating my tank, the first decision is saltwater versus freshwater. I watched the SeaWorld documentary that showed how hard it is to keep mammal fish alive in a tank, so I quickly decided that my aquarium would have a strict no-mammals-allowed policy. I'm not trying to be rude or exclusive, I just don't want mammals in my tank because they'd be unhappy there. That said, the decision was made to create a freshwater utopia. The decision to side with team freshwater was easy due to the fact that salt is for potato chips and sweaty butts, not for my fish. Also, saltwater tanks are way harder to take care of, and we all know how lazy I am.

"And by resurrected, I mean, I'll just go to the fish store and replace your dead ass with another fish who looks just like you."

Aside from getting to play god, there are some other reasons why I've indulged in this hobby. The white noise a proper tank provides could put the most agonized insomniac to sleep. I don't think fish sleep, so I must sleep for them. The soft sounds of the bubbles shall gently filter through my great land of beautiful wetness as I maraud through my dreamscape of riding a seahorse chariot escorted by sharks on my way to canoodle with mermaids and octopuses alike. A boy can dream.

Just like people, some fish are mean and can be bullies. I don't like bullies. And though I would ideally like to have my fish learn to stand up for themselves, I'm treating my tank like I treat most of my relationships when there's a confrontation: Just avoid it. So no bully fish are allowed, only happy fish.

Fish aquariums also make great cat TV. We all know how much I love my cat, Princess Ramona, and how I am constantly striving to make her happy and content. Dazzling colorful guppies dashing back and forth shall amuse her for hours on end, so I won't have to. It will give Princess Ramona a reason to leave the top of the cat tree from which she rules the apartment.

"I'm treating my tank like I treat most of my relationships when there's a confrontation: Just avoid it."

As I was researching what types of fish I wanted and checking the compatibility between species, a thought crossed my mind. What if I skipped the pet store and went straight to the fish black market? How would one do that, and what would it look like? I can't exactly go down to the park on the bad side of town at night and find a guy with a trenchcoat full of piranhas. Not that I would do this, just wondering. Like, is there a secret pond somewhere that runs like a drug house always trying to duck the feds as they slang out endangered species to fish-addicted maniacs? Just a thought.

Instead, I'll go to the pet store like a normal dude. There are some good ones in Salt Lake. Mark's Ark in Taylorsville is my favorite, so far. It's mostly because I like the name, the staff is knowledgeable and friendly, they have a shop cat, and the store smells like a pet store. Murky and comforting.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

This fish is worth $300,000 - New York Post

This fish is worth $300,000 - New York Post This fish is worth $300,000 - New York Post Posted: 05 Jun 2016 12:00 AM PDT With exacting precision, the surgeon inserted the scalpel above the eyeball and cut out a snotty deposit of fatty tissue. The routine eye-lift was nearly complete when suddenly the patient awoke, suffocating, and began to flop about on the table. The audience gasped. Knowing time was of the essence, the surgeon scooped up the patient in his arms, raced across the stage, and dropped her into a tank of water. She revived. Because she was a fish. Yes, fish eye-lifts exist. As do fin jobs and tail tucks. The operating theater was a mall in Jakarta, Indonesia, where a pet expo was under way. As for the patient, she survived, her formerly droopy eyes now bright and perky. A good thing, too, as this was no ordinary goldfish but rather an Asian arowana, the world's most expensive aquarium denizen, rumored to sell for as mu
Read more

NilocG Launches New Website for the Only All-in-One Thrive Fertilization Solution for Planted Aquariums - PRNewswire

Image
NilocG Launches New Website for the Only All-in-One Thrive Fertilization Solution for Planted Aquariums - PRNewswire NilocG Launches New Website for the Only All-in-One Thrive Fertilization Solution for Planted Aquariums - PRNewswire Posted: 11 Mar 2021 02:00 AM PST ALBANY, Ore. , March 11, 2021 /PRNewswire/ -- NilocG launches a new website for planted tank enthusiasts to gather and make THRIVE, a plant fertilizer that assures planted tank aquascapes flourish while eliminating the need for multiple products more readily available online. The company also takes it a step further in the industry, making its flagship product easy to dose, super-concentrated, and an all-in-one solution based on an effective EL dosing method with all essential micro and macronutrients. Continue Reading Thrive fertilizer: North America's most trusted aquarium plant fertilizer Colin Grice , CEO, a self-described planted tank lover, re
Read more

Catching Dory: selling aquarium fish supports coastal livelihoods in Indonesia | npj Ocean Sustainability - Nature.com

Image
Abstract The global marine aquarium trade has created new local markets across the planet, including in Indonesia, now the second-largest exporting country of marine aquarium fish in the world. Participating in the global aquarium trade has been touted as a potentially sustainable addition to fisher livelihoods, but scant data exist showing the numbers of fish coming off the reef and how those fish contribute to income. To determine how participants in the trade incorporate aquarium species in their livelihoods, we examine source-level aquarium fish collecting and trading data in the Banggai Archipelago, a region in Central Sulawesi that has become a significant source for popular aquarium, also known as ornamental, fish species. Using a sustainable livelihoods lens, we examine this data to understand how participants in the aquarium trade both contribute to as well as benefit from the trade and consider how their participation relates to emerging Blue Justice principles. From one year
Read more